Everytime a new superhero film comes out, I lapse into something of a depression. This is because even though I know it'll be terrible I still go and see it three times.
After all; why should middle aged married men who visit prostitutes be the only ones allowed to spend their money on something that makes them scream into their pillow for a week afterwards?
As I've seen all the comic book films, I thought I'd run down the best and worst for you so you don't waste your money next time you're illegally downloading a movie. There's a lot I'll have to miss out; for example there's no point including Ghost Rider as just believing that film exists makes it more powerful and weakens the doorway between our world and the Nicholas Cage dimension.
I've graded the best comic book movies on a one-to-five system. One Benziger means that I bought it on DVD, five Benzigers means that I asked my girlfriend to dress up as the DVD for my birthday.
KICK ASS (2010)
The first time I saw this I thought something had gone wrong and my eyes were projecting my dream life onto the cinema screen; show me a man that hasn't dreamed of dressing up in a costume and beating thugs to death, and I'll show you a man that isn't me.
There are problems with it, sure. The jet pack at the end is silly and 'Red Mist' is just slightly more unappealing than 'Red Rash' (on a date's groin).
But Big Daddy's story was actually better than the comic. Also, I respect a film that doesn't shy away from a smiling eleven year old girl disembowling a man seconds after dropping a C-bomb.
SIN CITY (2005)
The Sin City comics are such an unrelenting slew of grim events and unhappy endings that you have to actually be Kerry Katona's gynaecologist to relate to them. The film managed to take an incredibly stylised piece of work with potentially flat characters and make it not only transfer successfully to a different medium, but benefit from it.
It kept the look perfectly - there is so much violence and impossibly haggard heads in this movie that until halfway through I actually thought I was watching a European porno.
GHOST WORLD (2001)
Ghost World is what attractive, fashionable hipster girls are talking about when they say 'I'm such a comic book nerd'.
I take slight issue with this, after all I don't go around saying ' I'm such a vacuous trend following blight' just because I've listened to one of the Mumford and Sons albums.
Ghost World is a tale of teenage angst and isolationism that becomes more potent with each viewing. It's not about a whole lot, mainly just being misunderstood, but that's something we can all relate to; whether it's watching your best friend grow up and pull away from you (the film) or being shunned for growing up in the North East and disliking football and domestic abuse (my life).
FANTASTIC FOUR (1994)
In 1994, film Producer Neu Constantin was about to lose his rights to make a film based on Marvel Comic's Fantastic Four. He hired Roger Corman, gave him 2 million dollars and told him to make something before the end of the year.
I can only imagine that at the end of shooting Roger Corman had 2 million dollars left over.
What Roger Corman shat out is one of the most legendary and incredible pieces of cinema ever to be created. The special effects have less technological skill than a swarm of locusts in a calculator and all of the acting looks like it was done by aliens as a way of teaching each other how to trick their future human egg hosts.
It was too atrocious to be officially released and I searched for it for years until once at my Godsons I saw a bootlegged DVD resting on top of his collection. My eyes glazed and I slowly reached out for it, murmuring softly.
"Oh you won't want that, it's not the proper one."
Thank mercy that he didn't get between me and the DVD that day. Thank sweet mercy. Although they do have three more kids, and time heals all wounds.
Previously, I had to resort to unaccepted arguments about oil shortages to explain why I'm not going to have kids. Now I just say sorry, The Avengers exploded my balls.
It's totally exciting, broadens out a niche subject with humour and manages to balance a lot of big characters. Girls liked it, nerds liked it and critics liked it. Any time somebody tells me that they don't like this film my brain deletes them from itself and starts processing them as an offensive collection of shapes and colours; when I look at my ex-friend Josh now, all I see is a migraine.
The only slight negative I have with it is that it's legally impossible to give a shit about another solo Thor film now.
Others that are good but I couldn't think of any jokes for:
The worst have also been graded with a one-to-five system, however this time by Spider-Man: Brand New Day comics. For those of you that don't know, Brand New Day is the worst storyline that ever happened in comics.
At least, I think it is. I have to take peoples word for it - every time I try and read it my eyes start punching me in the face. One Brand New Day comic means the film is bad, five means it is almost as bad as Brand New Day itself. Not worse though.
For something to actually be worse, scientists would have to resurrect Hitler and let him rebuild the Berlin wall while inventing 'Double Racism'.
TANK GIRL (1995)
Tank Girl was created in the 90's for moshers to wear on a t-shirt to pretend that they understood feminism. It tread a careful line between 'irreverant' and 'tiresome', but it was new, different and the pictures were great.
The film confuses 'anarchic' with 'throw as much random shit at the screen in as many colours as possible'.
I've never seen such a mess of half thought out ideas an unrealised streams of consciousness...and I've listened to every one of Arnold Schwarzenegger's DVD commentaries.
To be fair they do try to do something different and sort of half get there. It's just that watching it feels like you've woken up in Gwen Stefani's brain, mid seizure.
Some said that it would be impossible to film this book, but Zack Snyder proved them wrong. By quite literally filming a picture perfect representation of what happens in the book.
Somewhere along the way he forgot to inject the soul though. Yes it looks exactly like the original but so does the robot clone sent from the future to harvest your organs.
If I wanted soulless emptiness on my screen I'd turn on a show with Ferne Cotton in it and stare into her eyes. Actually I did that once, but then I passed out for sixteen hours. When I woke up I had no reflection and my cat wouldn't stop hissing at me.
JUDGE DREDD (1995)
When the creators of 2000AD sent their list of everything that made Judge Dredd great to America, they should have done more research on American national holidays. If they had, they'd have realised it was opposite day.
AMERICAN FILM PRODUCER: YO BOY, we got your message! I think we covered all the bases: he ALWAYS takes his helmet off, he has an annoying comic relief partner, everything is really kid friendly and all his enemies are boring. That sound about right for you son?!
CONFUSED BRITISH COMIC EDITOR: ...what? No...I...what? That all sounds like the worst film ever made, we're going to have to totally re-discuss the project before we start this.
AMERICAN FILM PRODUCER: Hahahahaha we already finished it! *Hangs up and walks out whistling.
Elektra is what happens when a scriptwriter isn't creative enough to write a suicide note.
THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN (2012)
I'll admit it was a bold move for the creators of this film to abandon any of the story, personality or charm that has made Spider-Man one of the most popular comic characters ever, but only if they admit that it was a mistake for their mothers to drink retard water while pregnant.
Peter Parker was meant to be a nerd. Making a cool, fashionable, skateboarding bell-end good at science doesn't make him a nerd, you clowns.
Also of all the villains to pick, they chose The Lizard. When the main villain in your film is The Lizard, the soundtrack should be you getting fired.
The end of The Dark Knight Rises saw Batman duking it out with Bane in a city wide battle. This film opted for Spiderman swinging around on cranes or 'Level Four' as it'll be called when the awful tie-in game gets made.
This film is so terrible that I once saw a confused dung beetle rolling it backwards up the road.
Others that I couldn't write about because they defy my religion: