Are you sick of rubbish films? 

Ten years ago I was. I remember it exactly: I was sitting in he cinema trying to watch Oceans Eleven, and every time I looked at the screen my eyes punched me in the face. 

 

Now, watching films that are more predictable then the outcome of Vanessa Feltz seeing an ice cream is all well and good, but what about when you need something new and unusual?

 

So my trawl began. Chinatown, flea markets and soon-to-be-bankrupt video shops were the locations. The targets were VHS tapes with drawn covers promising scenes of such mind-blowing madness that owning them would get you fired from being an educator, in any capacity. 

 

And now I’m going to share my findings with you.

How do you know if you’ll like them? Here’s the test:

 

Question: Which is the more awesome end to a movie?

 

A)   Bad guy gets hit so hard that he reverse-explodes into a dog*

 

B)   Richard Gere

 

If you answered B then hurry away - Jedwood Let Loose isn’t going to skyplus itself!

 

But if you answered A then buckle up kid, coz not only have you come to the right place, but you and I are now best friends.

 

THE SEVENTH CURSE

PLOT SUMMARY:

This film starts with some academics chatting about a past adventure. Then, in a remarkable twist worthy of a 15 year old film students' first project, we transition into that adventure. It's like a Chinese Indiana Jones but with more emphasis on naked women having sex with men to cure them of demon curses.

It doesn't work in the TRADITIONAL sense of logic, sure, but if it did they'd have to cut out the part where a skeleton turns into a flying dinosaur beast and slices peoples heads off.

 

One memorable scene is a kung fu fight on top of a giant buddha statue. Another memorable scene is a mutant fetus monster, umbilical cord still attached, that flies around biting peoples faces off. I guess what I'm saying is that The Seventh Curse really has something for everyone.

 

There are versions which cut out some of the boobs to make the film more 'family friendly', though this is basically the filmic equivalent of painting a smile on a bottle of rat poison to make it more 'baby delicious'.

 

TRAILER:

 

If this trailer had subtitles, you'd actually understand less.

WILD ZERO

PLOT SUMMARY:

 

N/A

Guitar Wolf are in the Guiness Book of Records for having recorded the loudest album ever. And Guitar Wolf have lost their damn minds.

 

In the late 90's this cult Japanese rock band decided they wanted to be in a film. It was filmed on location in Bali because the director 'likes Bali food'. As far as I can tell, the script involved throwing all the best words into the dictionary into a ceiling fan.

 

What this film lacks in any basis in sense, it makes up for in tits, zombies, guitar picks being used as throwing stars, every scene ending with somebody jumping out of a window, fire coming out of all vehicles exhausts and a transexual love story.

 

TRAILER:

 

If this was the trailer to every film, maybe people would go to the cinema once in a while

 

THE STORY OF RICKY

PLOT SUMMARY:

 

It depends which version you get. In some he's a highschool dropout that's scared of his powers. In others he's an orphan that wants to play the flute. Another has him in prison for being invunerable to bullets.

There are a couple of consistants throughout each version however; the scene in which he gets his wrist slashed then just ties his veins in a knot to stop the bleeding is one. The scene where a disembowelled man uses his intestines to strangle somebody to death is another.

 

The first time I watched this film there was so much flying and exploding heads that I thought it was a documentary about Chinese prisons. It turns out it's not, as at the end Ricky decides to leave and just punches the wall down. In real Chinese prisons people only get out by commiting suicide to admit they were wrong to have an email account.

 

TRAILER:

 

Keep in mind it's impossible to unsee things.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*BONUS! That actually happens in this film:

 

REVERSE DOG!